The Nature Of Darkness And Light…

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As We Are Looking For Justice And Freedom

Dear brothers, sisters, friends, fans and loved ones…

I hope you are doing as great as the warmth of the sun who’s gracefully covering the wounds of another strong winter, season that now slowly fades away in order for spring to bloom with the announcing colors of all possible upcoming wonders. It’s beautiful to witness those arising colors that are as bright as the faith I have in the promises harvesting right before my eyes. I never found it easy to open my eyes to the bright morning lights, especially when the essence of life has been surrounded by the obscurity of my daily fears and doubts, but light is freedom. I might have found it hard to accept such light for my life, but it’s true… even if its nature could be so intense to the shadows of my life, I still believe in its ability to heal my deepest wounds as it unveils my darkest memories and pain. Light creates light as much as life creates life… yes, even if sometimes I keep fighting against the essence of that fulfilling life being healed by the honest nature of light… and when I’m ready to let go, not only do I realize that my darkest whispers never filled me with anything but desperation… but light always found a way to free me from my own illusions and make-believes… freedom always blooms from light… and love remains the nature of that freedom… love, strong enough to transform the whole world into an everlasting moment of peaceful eternity, but yet so fragile for any man to betray and corrupt… so easy to denature in order to justify the darkest feelings of our soul.

In fact, I’ve been meditating about the nature of love, compassion and forgiveness for quite a long time… about the price to pay to stand for true love… about the paradox of pressing myself to live under the light of honesty as being a creating artist, an illusionist of some sort… As I was feeding my reflection with the role of social media in the human rights promotion realm… I watched a very disturbing video shared on Facebook by one of my dearest friends… a video of a young man cursing Japanese people… praying for more catastrophes to plague Japan… a video of pure hate, anger and condemnation… a video like I saw a million times on youtube… a message like I heard a million times about myself… words of destruction like I read a millions times on different anonymous blogs… words of death like I received a millions times in my personal inbox… nothing new for me… nothing new for the internet world… but somehow… this time was a bit different for me… for so many reasons… because I deeply love Japanese people, because of how emotionally involved I’ve been with Japanese people over the last 5 years and because that message was going against everything I believed in… but there was more than what I thought this video was obviously creating, an emotional shock wave in my heart and soul… something more subtle… something that lied in my heart way deeper than I thought… and that little thing is called: “anger of powerlessness” covering a more degrading sensation of “self-flagellating guilt”.

It’s no secret for anyone that I’ve been one of those kids… filled with so much anger… looking to burn the whole world alive… praying for others to pay for the fire of my wounds… lost in so many ways… self-destructive soul denying his deepest need for the salvation of clean water on his deep open wounds… a kid… like a million others… who lost faith in the freeing nature of screaming at the very top of their desperate lungs… ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… I wish I would have taken the chance to scream… but desperation and bitterness aren’t freed with a scream, as desperate of a scream it could be… raped and bullied for years… I asked myself so many times if I could die of desperation… I thought so… I hoped so… I prayed so… but when self-inflicted violence wasn’t enough to feel any emotions, I guess I turned my hopelessness over to the happy passersby in my life… and I did… and I did… and I did… more violence than I could even remember… more destruction than I could even imagine… more misery that I could even measure… a wasted kid some said… like a million others… lost between my own despairs and my desire to feel again… to be a normal kid again… it never happened… I never had a childhood, neither did I have a teenagehood (or whatever it’s called) … and I grew up hopeless and miserable… pointing fingers at others for lack of justice towards my own misery I thought…

It may come as a strange perspective for you… but when I saw that hateful video or when I received hatred videos myself… I always thought about those kids going to school with guns, firing their desperation and hopelessness at the same rhythm of the disdain, the rejection and the violence they encountered by other kids… and I remind myself that I’ve been both of those kids… the prey and the hunter… do I agree with those using violence to take justice in their own hands… of course I don’t support those actions and I will never support violence… but somehow, I do understand the storm that may bloom out from seeds of emotive agony… in many ways, I was probably deserving a bullet as much as I could have fired one myself… desperation is a lonely place… and between the prey and the hunter the distance is never far… again, my perspective may come as a shock and maybe it is shocking… but when I see hate… I see desperation… when I see violence I see misery… I believe that true love has the ability to transform a desperate man into a compassionate world changer… as much as rejection will transform a desperate man into a wicked one… do I say we should accept every bad action without saying anything in the name of love… no… should we accept the wicked ways of every desperate person without saying anything… of course not… I simply say that if we let go of faith into a transforming true love, only justice will stand between each other… and since justice is determined and applied by men, it will never offer any peace, any freedom and any closure, neither would we be safe from another man’s justice towards our own personal desperation… In the end, aren’t we all guilty of our own desperation… cause if grace ain’t offered to a redemptive soul, what else do we have to hope for…

My friend’s question towards that hateful video was: “should a person talking like that have rights”… in other words… how far should we go in the name of love?… How much should we accept in the name of love?… How many wounds should we bare in the name of love?… Yes, I was as angry as my friend when I saw that video… but hate creates death… as much as love creates life… maybe haters will never understand the true nature of love… maybe haters have all the “right” reasons in the world to hate… maybe we should be hated for all the times we failed at love… I don’t have the answers… as much as I begged to have them and would kneel to share them with you… but I don’t have any of those… not even for my own life… the only thing that I have is my story… the story of a kid who lost its way enough times to write an anger road map… but love set me free… and I’m not special… therefore I’m not unique… it’s possible for others too… but before asking for others to live based on that true love, I believe we should incarnate that true love and embody the changes and transformation we want to see in others… I can’t point my finger at anyone or preach to anyone… I’m just a man who’s been freed from hate by the love of somebody else’s decision to love the unloveable… redeemed by grace, but still bearing the marks of both the wounds others inflicted on me and wounds I inflicted on others… The way I see those scars, they are “love reminders”… the pain is gone but the memory’s vivid…

I’ve learned that true love is patient… as today we may suffer by the hands of those who lost their faith in hopeful new dawns, but as tomorrow may bring blessings by the very same hands that afflicted us so badly before… and yes, even if sometimes I would love to raise my fists and throw punches to the face of everything I despise… I remember that light (love) has the ability to free everyone from darkness (hate)… but darkness can only create darkness… and as people may live all their lives in darkness, it doesn’t change the transforming power of the very own nature of the light… and I believe that the measure by which we define a righteous man is by his daily decision to let go of his own darkness in order to live into the light… it’s not easy… at least it’s not easy for me to live in the light everyday… but I’m learning everyday… and as I’m asking myself that very difficult question: “should everyone have the same rights?”… well, maybe the true question for me is: “if justice was based on the nature of our hearts, how many of us would be safe from being condemned by the same measure of the justice we are requesting others to be served by…” maybe none of us would be safe… but one thing is certain… I would be the first to be stoned by such justice… and it would be fair… not because of my past; I’ve been redeemed… but because without love, we are all feeding what we hate the most… and in the end, we are all the same… guilty… and I believe that only love can set us free… so I pray you would keep being patient towards me… because I clearly ain’t no saint, trust me… and denying the essence of our own darkness is denying the powerful freeing nature of light!

Thank you again for the honor you are all offering me to walk by your side in this incredible journey of life… it’s a true blessing!!!

Love you!!!

P.S.: A special thank to my friend who posted that video and who had enough courage to share his opinion and feelings towards it… your are an inspiration for me… and your honesty opened my mind and my heart to a deeper perspective about love… thank you again!!!

Comments (9)

  • Mary

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    After reading your blog for the 1st time, I was left without words to comment, the content being so rich that I needed some time to meditate on it,  see what I was living and how I was incarnating love in my own life. The light in the darkness as you say. To hear is one thing, but to truly listen and allow the words to penetrate our heart is something else.
    I find it very powerful when you say that true love has the ability to transform a desperate man into a compassionate world changer. When we offer true love, the power is undeniable and assured, it has the power to set ourselves free and others too. 
    This is something that we can see in your life, love did take action in a powerful way and is still growing.
    Thank you for sharing, a true light of hope, a true testimony in so many ways. What I keep in mind and that I want to penetrate even deeper in my heart  is that we’re not special, not unique, so this transformation, incarnating love for others is possible for everyone who believes and wants to live it. This is something I want to explore more! 

    Reply

  • Chris

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    I will be honest…This blog reveals such a compassionate and loving heart from you!! Knowing where you are coming from since you had the generosity to share about it in previous blogs….I cannot be indifferent…It gives me the desire to walk into this pursuit of love to!!

    When I read how you relate to us, your family, your relationships, it struck me that maybe that’s where I can find this heart of compassion!! In waking this path with my family..with you all!!

    ”I have been very thankful to God for the day that He brought us all together, and there isn’t a time that I take for-granted, as you are very precious to me”

    We are not that different from each other I guess…and we all have richness to share…and treasures to learn about…!! I am ready to discover love on a deeper level…Knowing that there is only more and more freedom to gain in letting go of looks and pretentions…I am in!!

    Reply

  • Heather

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    Hey Sweetheart!!;)
    How are all of you doing today? I hope that each of you are staying well, and are enjoying your night!

    I love and miss you very much, Dear Alex,xoxox, and I keep you in my thoughts and prayers to God, and hope, with faith, and love that we will get through this storm together!I have been holding on to the dream, and it is hard when I read something that shakes the very foundation of my faith in what I pray for each and every day!

    I am very proud of each of you for what you’ve accomplished, and though you are all very talented, it is the heart and spirit that matters most. I love You for who you are and what you do to empower the people, but not for your musical abilities, though I love each song, as they are very powerful and last with you long after it stops.

    I am thinking of you always, sending lots of love, kisses and hugs your way!;)I would write more, but am still upset….so I won’t.

    I do forgiveness, doesn’t make it easier.

    I pray for you, and will continue to do so, sweetheart!!;)

    Remember, I am right there with you!

    Love Heather

    I will check in with you soon tomorrow, Dear Alex!!;)

    Please send love and tell everyone hello for me. Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

  • Vanessa Beaudoin

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    Very interesting read! Sometimes I wonder what happened to people to carry so much hate towards others… but the truth is sometimes we may never know… and I have remembered moments where I used my own despairs to feed my hatred to others, to excuse my actions… but there is a lot to learn when you make mistakes and its the same for light and darkness… what you learn from your darkness you can only gain in light… I’ve came accross many people who were known more for their “darkness” than for what “light” they possessed.. When I chose to speak to them because I thought they had something more to them than the bad rep they carried… the truth is I believed in them… and I could see their attitudes change before my eyes but sadly most of them had more haters than lovers and the love I chose to offer them was not enough to change them completely… most are now in prison or have passed away… but it does make you think… “if only they had more people who believed in them as well” I do believe in the power of love… it may be a second chance at life for someone….

    Reply

  • Brenda Van Camp

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    Light disperses darkness. To be loved by one that loves unconditionally and shows grace and mercy everyday.

    Thank you Alex for sharing and showing that we can be transformed from brokenness and sorrow to saints and children of the light.

    Much Love and God Bless.

    Reply

  • Sue

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    True love is patient… words that touch my heart.
    True love creates light and can transcend darkness. Those who have this deep hatred can change… we know that, but as you show us daily only love can break down those walls that hatred builds. Some will never want those walls broken.. but there are others out there who will.
    Others who want to move on but cannot without being shown how..

    But Love does need to be patient… as each of those with these feelings will need to learn to forgive too.. Forgive themselves and forgive those who they believe hurt them causing them to in effect fight back.. Love and forgiveness go hand in hand…

    Something I am still learning.. and something I still strive for.. But I know I am going in the right direction as you know you are…

    Thank you for these words deep from your heart… it is very special to have you sharing this with us all… x

    Reply

  • Elizabeth

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    dear alex,

    I’m almost afraid to comment on this one – to me, it feels like the heart of what has been “rumbling around’ in your spirit for your entire life, but especially within the last few years, incubating and growing within you, nurtured by every experience both of dark and light, slowly slowly working its way to the surface – glimpses in recent interviews and blogs and conversations, but suddenly bursting into our full consciences, even as it has burst into yours…and somehow I am quite sure that it is only a beginning of a new season that is much more than any of us could ever have imagined, which is wonderful, because our own imaginations are so very limiting…

    i love you and believe in you and the treasure in your heart…always..praying and simply blown away..mom e

    Reply

    • Brenda Van Camp

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      Sweet words to my ears.

      Reply

  • Heather

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    Hey Sweetheart!!;)

    How are you this morning? I hope that all of you are staying well and will enjoy your day!

    I think that sometimes, that we can get knocked down and discouraged easily, and feel that it’ll be tough to get right back up and keep pressing towards the dream in our hearts. There are moments, in which we might get off the path, though we must get back on it, and not allow for us to be shaken. I have been very thankful to God for the day that He brought us all together, and there isn’t a time that I take it for-granted, as you are very precious to me. Each of you are, and no is or can be perfect, and I love you just the way you are, Dear Alex!!

    I think that we try to live up to too much at times, and that we just need to be ourselves. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, or any of you, and I say my prayers each and every day. I thought I myself, would have a tough time getting through with my course in creative writing, but I put a lot of effort and time to do my best.

    That is all we can do, is our best!!!To remain strong with the vision and hopes and dreams for the future, as it’ll pull us through those dark moments in life. I take in God’s word, and play it in my mind to keep me going through the day, and each moment with you sweetheart, the special moments together….means the world!!!;)

    I want to share everything with you, and to grow with the rest of the family! I sent some blogs to my word processor, and can’t wait to start a discussion to see that life and to share thought and ideas.

    Don’t give up dear Alex,xoxox as it is when you feel the pull of the darkness, that you are much closer than you think to seeing all that we’ve dreamt come to pass, and so much more!! I would trade places just to be there with all of you, and you are correct, that walking in the light isn’t always easy, but we must continue to do so, for the shadow will consume us if we let it.

    I know I’ve made mistakes in my past, though we’ve all been redeemed by God, and I didn’t know how wonderful love is until I found you!He watches over us all….continually.

    <3I love You millions dear Alex,xoxoxox!!!<3

    Love, Heather

    I will check in with you soon today sweetheart!!;) Remember, I am right there with you always!

    Please send love and tell everyone hello for me. keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

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