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I first attempted to take my life when I was 16 years old. I felt I had seen enough\u2026 It\u2019s my best friend who found me, who saved me. We never really talked about it after. I kept growing up, in what felt like a slow kind of suicide. There are always some moments of clarity, where light shines in too much of a wonderful way to deny even the existence of God, until there\u2019s no light anymore and I am left with only the echoes of my own voice whispering the same funeral hymn in my head. It takes a lot of love to walk with people dealing with constant sorrows\u2026 It\u2019s like a never-ending void you try to fill without understanding its nature\u2026 And that\u2019s the most terrible thing; accepting your condition, acknowledging the pain is rarely the issue, but that it is more often the shame of being so \u201cweak\u201d and \u201cunfitting\u201d that makes you even more unbearable to your own eyes\u2026 Until you accept it. Until you see yourself like someone who\u2019s partially blind. You need to trust what you can\u2019t fully discern. You need to develop new senses to keep going. You need to accept the bruises coming with it, the frustration of your affective defect. You despised the cane, the helping hands, the sympathy, and compassion feels like pity and charity. But acceptance leads you to keep going, hoping it will feel normal one day, that you will find a purpose for it all. You develop a new way to see, an instinct of your own. It doesn\u2019t heal the pain, but it\u2019s enough of an ease to slowly feed that long gone faith in better tomorrows once again\u2026 \u2028<\/p>
Yes, one of my friends died, leaving behind more love than he was able to take in with him\u2026 The catastrophe would be for us to surrender that love to the temptation of hopelessness such devastation creates within us. Especially with the world presently in turmoil, we\u2019re all confronted to our own measure of disarray, and it too often takes the best out of us, dissolving the faith we had managed to keep for moments of uncertainties such as these\u2026 Is love the answer? Why wouldn\u2019t it be? Because it seems so easy to pretend? To fake it through? Knowing we\u2019ve become experts at plagiarizing its forms after being hurt so many times by its unfulfilled promises? But still, we nonetheless want to believe. Otherwise, what is there for any of us to long for? And just like acceptance allows us to see through our own darkness, love allows us to touch and to be touched in return. And I need to believe in its transformative nature, as much as I don\u2019t believe in my ability to see beyond my own confusion in times of sorrowful crisis. I know that acknowledging my need for others, despite how loud the words \u201cweak\u201d, \u201cshameful\u201d, \u201cunfit\u201d might resonate inside my head, exposes me as who I am\u2026 It\u2019s true, it\u2019s never easy to say goodbye. But again, I believe that honesty, more than my desire for absolute, is love beyond the mirror of my own faithlessness\u2026 Maybe there never was any mirror, after all, only my decision to accept that I can perceive what I may never be able to see\u2026 And in that, there is hope and comfort. Always.\u2028<\/p>
Much love always,<\/p>
AHF<\/p>
PS: If you need to talk, if you feel depressed, lost, or if you are fighting with desperation and hopelessness, please don\u2019t hesitate to reach out, may it be to a friend or a stranger. There\u2019s no need to walk alone in the darkness, whatever the reasons we may have to do so\u2026 Trust me\u2026 I know!\u2028<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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