We had a programmed video call with my next album producer, which led me to leave the quarter where I set camp with Leonard. I still feel remote from the upcoming process, and it makes me feel pretty anxious… If I am an artist who relies on his instinct and exploration, who only believes in finding the invisible through complete self-denial and total emotional abandonment, I have to prepare my heart and soul for that to happen. And I am not close to being ready right now… I’m still physically ill, cognitively impaired, and somehow see myself outside looking in. It’s a terrible place to be — at least it is for me — especially 2 weeks before the production of a new album. I didn’t know what to say on the call, as I didn’t have much more to bring to the fire I usually bring with the creation of a new exploratory journey… 

Apprehensions can be highly deceiving, and if I want to convince myself that I’m a peaceful individual, I am, in fact, more anxious than I would like to admit. It hasn’t always been like that, but the last year has been increasingly stressful for me; the recovery lapses and relapses, not knowing — and still being uncertain — about being able to sing like I used to, MacKaye’s sudden cancer that turned me into a full-time worried dad, losing my ability to restfully sleep in the process… Ending up at the church-studio on top of it all maybe wasn’t the best idea, but here I am now, and it’s too late to back down.

I had no doubt the call would be positive and empowering. The album producer, whom I can’t wait to introduce to you, is not only one of the most brilliant creators of his generation, but he is an exceptional human being. The call was another proof of just how in good hands I am, since the object of the call had the sole purpose of reassuring me, to ease the stress and anxiety he knew I must have been trapped in. It was a beautiful human interaction. He talked about MacKaye, my physical and psychological condition, thus reinforcing the utmost admiration I already had for him and circumventing the fact that I could entirely rely on him. Trust is not an easy affair for me, even less so when it’s about creation. His call kinda started the process it would have otherwise taken days for me to begin. I may not be less anxious, but that conversation came at the right time. It ignited the will to take that necessary first step, regardless of how emotionally numb I was.