Revisitation and Reaffirmation
I arrived last evening in Mexico in a place that has been highly significant for me over the years. It’s a place I like to visit from time to time to muse about the nature of the journey I’m in, to reflect on how I evolved over the years, to truly seize the significance of instants that are now defining who I am, and to contemplate how I grew and outgrew some situations I’ve experienced in the past. But it’s also a way for me to remain grateful towards “life”, to go deeper within me, to remind myself of the high importance of trusting my instinct, to press on while letting go, and to dispose my heart and mind in a way to allow myself to molt over and over again. Therefore those moments apart — may they be about revisiting some meaningful personal episodes, reaffirming the decisions I took to expand my self-limitations or to design what I want for “tomorrow”— are capital for me.
I first came here 10 years ago following my father’s passing. If I hadn’t been willing or inclined to mourn him for several years after, that initial trip here would have been a consequential one for me, as it was the very first time I would start to admit to myself that I wasn’t happy in the community I was living in, and that I felt imprisoned in my band Your Favorite Enemies, that I wanted more, renewal… or something else. I never allowed those thoughts to be their own before, too concerned that they might reach my heart if I let them roam free within. It was a dark period for me. I often considered what would have been a permanent solution to the situation I couldn’t see as resolvable. Coming here gave me peace somehow. It offered me comfort, a sense of affective balance I wasn’t hoping to find anymore. An elderly woman even came to me wondering if I was ok, because I looked too sad and lonely to go unnoticed. I was seated at the very same place from morning til late night, looking at the ocean — like I do so often now — looking for answers, a greater sense of fulfillment… purpose.
The second time I came here was as consequential. That was 7 years ago and I came with Jeff. I was living in Tangier at the time and I had put Your Favorite Enemies on hiatus. I was foreseeing what would be the next chapter of my life and I remember that it all started in that very same place. Every little seed of consciousness grew from here. Every movement forward began from that introspective stream. I wanted to reaffirm certain things, and that’s why I came back on that second occasion. Was there more to see, more to feel, more to discern…? There was, in quite a major way. It’s here that I told Jeff that I needed something tangible, that I was tired of speaking about the future and entertaining visions, as if they were all true to my heart, and still are. I believed it had to take root in the “now”. Jeff had never heard me talking like that. Most of our trip could be defined by our faith in the invisible. So there I was, saying I needed to see something. I had never been a dreamer in the generic sense of the term. I cultivate visions. So that was incredibly shocking as it was so uncharacteristic of who I am.
Several aspects of that conversation turned out to be part of the cornerstone of what we are now living and communing. I decided to establish a working studio in Tangier and invited the rest of Your Favorite Enemies’ band members to see if we could resolve our multiple differences and see if our long-gone friendship could be revived, which proved to be the reason why we are still together today. Friends, not colleagues. I also wanted a place of my own to live. The wonderful community as it initially was had been too bastardized by some for me to be a part of it anymore. The abusive ones left or got kicked out over time and it returned to its communal essence recently, allowing me to feel part of the family once again. I found my home in Virginia in the process. I needed to be free artistically, to explore, to discover, to expand. I was sick and tired of creative standardization and of assembled products designed to please the masses, to favor its global commercialization and massive consumption. I will never disavow Your Favorite Enemies’ universe, it’s what it became internally that I ended up despising. I remember telling Jeff: “F*** painting by numbers, I’m done with that. I want to be stained all over by different colors. I want to redefine shapes and forms, to connect with what’s living within me. I don’t want formatted aesthetics. I want to destroy my self-imposed structures, to push my limits, and to start anew.” It’s everything we are living now…
Coming back here has a lot to do with what I’ve experienced with the album production during the past several weeks. It felt like too much of a step back to deny. I heard too much about formats, structures, time clocks, and doing it all as fast as possible. So, in retrospect, it was YFE all over again. If the result had been heartfelt and consequential, I would have kept on playing along that process for the sake of the album’s identity. But now, I realize that it wasn’t anything close to that at all. It wasn’t about magnifying who we are, or what we do… it was somebody else’s record altogether. Therefore, my actual trip is primarily based on reconnecting with the record’s true identity, meaning, and purpose. It’s to immerse myself in everything that wasn’t even remotely considered while focusing on elements that have nothing to do with soul, let alone with me… I will listen to the original demo we did, to figure out the reasons I felt those songs had to be part of that journey at all in the first place but also to decide what I want in terms of the production process, and how I want to do it and with whom. Some might say that I’m crazy to scrap everything we’ve accomplished already or that I have a whole lot of guts to bet on myself at this point, and everything in between… Maybe… maybe not.
If there’s one thing that my second trip here back in 2017 reminded me of is that you can’t be wrong for being who you are… NEVER. My focus is not on being Radiohead, Swans, or any other bands I like. It is to have the courage to be me and to act accordingly to the conviction that it’s not only “ok”, but that it’s the only way there is for my art to be “it”. I’ve already been on heavy radio rotation, nominated for major awards, played in front of 90 thousand screaming people, and on and on. Interestingly enough, I’ve never contemplated taking my life ever since I’ve been following my heart and soul. How much money or success do you need to completely numb the instinctive inclinations you have… to disappear into denial? I guess it works for some. I wish it did for me, it would be so much easier, but it never did. Therefore, I choose to be me… it’s already a win!!!
Coming back here has a lot to do with what I’ve experienced with the album production during the past several weeks. It felt like too much of a step back to deny. I heard too much about formats, structures, time clocks, and doing it all as fast as possible. So, in retrospect, it was YFE all over again. If the result had been heartfelt and consequential, I would have kept on playing along that process for the sake of the album’s identity. But now, I realize that it wasn’t anything close to that at all. It wasn’t about magnifying who we are, or what we do… it was somebody else’s record altogether. Therefore, my actual trip is primarily based on reconnecting with the record’s true identity, meaning, and purpose. It’s to immerse myself in everything that wasn’t even remotely considered while focusing on elements that have nothing to do with soul, let alone with me… I will listen to the original demo we did, to figure out the reasons I felt those songs had to be part of that journey at all in the first place but also to decide what I want in terms of the production process, and how I want to do it and with whom. Some might say that I’m crazy to scrap everything we’ve accomplished already or that I have a whole lot of guts to bet on myself at this point, and everything in between… Maybe… maybe not.
If there’s one thing that my second trip here back in 2017 reminded me of is that you can’t be wrong for being who you are… NEVER. My focus is not on being Radiohead, Swans, or any other bands I like. It is to have the courage to be me and to act accordingly to the conviction that it’s not only “ok”, but that it’s the only way there is for my art to be “it”. I’ve already been on heavy radio rotation, nominated for major awards, played in front of 90 thousand screaming people, and on and on. Interestingly enough, I’ve never contemplated taking my life ever since I’ve been following my heart and soul. How much money or success do you need to completely numb the instinctive inclinations you have… to disappear into denial? I guess it works for some. I wish it did for me, it would be so much easier, but it never did. Therefore, I choose to be me… it’s already a win!!!
