The Record, So Far, In One Word?
I woke up this morning in some sort of haze. I didn’t realize just how tired I was until Leonard jumped on me at 6 am. I snoozed him with a few: « DODO LEO, DODO », which gave me another 90 minutes. It’s quite unreal to think that I didn’t sing for almost 18 months before Mikko’s arrival, that I was still only able to slowly walk until very recently, and that I’m still dealing with several brain fog episodes every day. I pushed myself a bit too hard, I figured, but I know there’s more to it. I’m emotionally and spiritually exhausted, nothing a day off or getting an extra hour of sleep can truly do to help at this point, so that’s why I need to trust Mikko and the band. I also second-guess myself. It’s part of my personal creative process to delete everything and start all over again, and I know too well that this time it won’t be possible to convince myself that I hate everything I’ve done in order to reboot the whole thing. I guess that’s why we are going that fast. I already told Mikko while we were in Tangier, just how much of a pain it could be during the writing and production phases of a song, let alone an album, and that he would have to prevent me from burning everything down after he would hear me say: “I don’t feel anything real in there, let’s do it again from scratch”, as it might only be the raging pain within me wanting to sacrifice my soul some more. It needs to hurt or it’s not honest, or maybe is it a genuine disgust I feel towards what I hear when I have some perspective. One thing is for sure, I’m not really good at faking to please others, especially with my music. Yes, it’s that type of morning…
Mikko must have felt how tired I was when we gathered in studio B with Ben to listen to a few more potential songs, as he suggested taking the next day off. If I never impose the state of my inner mood on anyone, since it would be unfair to let others be the innocent victims of my periodical emotional tribulations, I probably didn’t have the upbeat jump I usually have, and I know myself just enough to manage it all without pouring my existential pain all over. It helps me focus on what’s essential; the album’s soul. Therefore, it was great to share my views on what I foresaw as the final identity of the album, or at least its initial incarnation. Is it an “intense” record? The subjects are, but I didn’t want the music to be “heavy” for the sake of the lyrical content… I wanted to explore and expand my pallette. If I’ve been associated with terms such as post-rock and neo-prog, I’m not quite sure what the actual orientation I’m leaning toward might be… It’s everything I don’t understand at this point, which is always a tricky position to be in, as at the end of the day it needs to be the actual reflection of the moment I am in. So, I guess that “exhaustion” would be the key word here to describe how I feel rather than “confusion” per se. All and all, the 2 words might perfectly apply to what we are presently crafting as well.
In fact, regardless of just how I feel or think I am feeling as I’m writing you, it was a good thing to sit down with Mikko this morning as it gave me a better understanding of where we were at in the whole journey, both artistically and production-wise, and where we all need to go from now on. As stretched as we are, the songs are still the ones leading the way. I need to keep on remembering that essential reality, as the more tired I get, the more I tend to look for control, which usually leads to a creative disaster defined by frustration and dejectedness. Considering that I am well aware of the process leading to such a venture’s catastrophe, it’s a wonderful blessing to have Mikko and Ben’s perspectives to guide me through that whole affair.
Interesting Note: It’s interesting how Leonard is waking me up at 6 am every morning, only to sleep all day… Wanna try at 7 am or 8 am… no?!?
Mikko must have felt how tired I was when we gathered in studio B with Ben to listen to a few more potential songs, as he suggested taking the next day off. If I never impose the state of my inner mood on anyone, since it would be unfair to let others be the innocent victims of my periodical emotional tribulations, I probably didn’t have the upbeat jump I usually have, and I know myself just enough to manage it all without pouring my existential pain all over. It helps me focus on what’s essential; the album’s soul. Therefore, it was great to share my views on what I foresaw as the final identity of the album, or at least its initial incarnation. Is it an “intense” record? The subjects are, but I didn’t want the music to be “heavy” for the sake of the lyrical content… I wanted to explore and expand my pallette. If I’ve been associated with terms such as post-rock and neo-prog, I’m not quite sure what the actual orientation I’m leaning toward might be… It’s everything I don’t understand at this point, which is always a tricky position to be in, as at the end of the day it needs to be the actual reflection of the moment I am in. So, I guess that “exhaustion” would be the key word here to describe how I feel rather than “confusion” per se. All and all, the 2 words might perfectly apply to what we are presently crafting as well.
In fact, regardless of just how I feel or think I am feeling as I’m writing you, it was a good thing to sit down with Mikko this morning as it gave me a better understanding of where we were at in the whole journey, both artistically and production-wise, and where we all need to go from now on. As stretched as we are, the songs are still the ones leading the way. I need to keep on remembering that essential reality, as the more tired I get, the more I tend to look for control, which usually leads to a creative disaster defined by frustration and dejectedness. Considering that I am well aware of the process leading to such a venture’s catastrophe, it’s a wonderful blessing to have Mikko and Ben’s perspectives to guide me through that whole affair.
Interesting Note: It’s interesting how Leonard is waking me up at 6 am every morning, only to sleep all day… Wanna try at 7 am or 8 am… no?!?
