A Sort Of Magnificent Goodbye
It’s all about packing time this morning. I don’t usually sleep much the night before transitioning from one place to another, from one moment to the next. I never did. You can imagine what it’s like for me to be on an extensive tour, having to move day after day. I don’t particularly like living on a tour bus. I’m a light sleeper and being in a massive moving vehicle is not always synonymous with good resting time, especially with 10 other people cramped in bunk beds on top of each other. So I still prefer hotels somehow. Even if it implies WAY TOO early departures each morning, at least I’ve got my own space for a few hours. I know there’s worse in life. I’m not complaining at all, it’s more of a reflection on my atypical lifestyle, which will be in full swing in about 5 to 6 weeks now. Packing and unpacking, over and over again. But I truly love it 🙂 See, my multi-personalities didn’t suddenly appear following my heart surgery, they were there way before, that’s for sure. 🙂 But packing this morning had a different tone to it. I don’t know why and it’s hard to grasp entirely. It’s as if I greatly needed to come here physically and emotionally. I feel it has been much more significant spiritually for me to do so…
In fact, I arrived here a little concerned, undecided, a bit off-focus, and uneasy regarding the nature of the production of my ongoing album. My heart was like a Polaroid picture awaiting for the chemicals to reveal the image you tried to capture hoping to be precise enough to reveal what your eyes saw when you felt compelled to take the shot in the first place. In my case, the chemicals were a mix of high waves, warm winds, daily meditation, and inspiring conversations with Jeff. The result was undeniably clear. And if I disliked what I saw, it was reassuring in many ways. I wasn’t “troubled” for no reason. It wasn’t some uncontrolled insecurity related to potential failure nor any form of anxiety associated with “success”. It was much simpler than whatever deep explanations I could come up with. And you know me, I could, right? 🙂 No, it was in fact too limpid to wonder. It wasn’t me, that’s what I found here. And as easy as it may sound on the surface, it’s never that easy for me…nothing is. So I had to admit that I incredibly fell off the mark, which is also very positive.
In fact, I arrived here a little concerned, undecided, a bit off-focus, and uneasy regarding the nature of the production of my ongoing album. My heart was like a Polaroid picture awaiting for the chemicals to reveal the image you tried to capture hoping to be precise enough to reveal what your eyes saw when you felt compelled to take the shot in the first place. In my case, the chemicals were a mix of high waves, warm winds, daily meditation, and inspiring conversations with Jeff. The result was undeniably clear. And if I disliked what I saw, it was reassuring in many ways. I wasn’t “troubled” for no reason. It wasn’t some uncontrolled insecurity related to potential failure nor any form of anxiety associated with “success”. It was much simpler than whatever deep explanations I could come up with. And you know me, I could, right? 🙂 No, it was in fact too limpid to wonder. It wasn’t me, that’s what I found here. And as easy as it may sound on the surface, it’s never that easy for me…nothing is. So I had to admit that I incredibly fell off the mark, which is also very positive.
I also realized that I missed having those conversations with Jeff. Life has been so distressing over the last year that we haven’t seen each other much, not like we are used to. So it was a wonderful opportunity to reconnect with my heartfelt accomplice and partner in crime. Our last moments apart together were more related to business management than emotional and inspirational. This time was completely different. Our daily routine would go like this: I’d go and get myself a coffee and then I would set my stuff at what I referred to as my “office by the ocean”, before 7 am. I’d look at the waves for a while, muse, and reflect, then start writing my studio diary entry. Jeff would arrive sometime later, do his follow-ups, and read. Then, we would go for a long walk on the beach, to share and to do my daily 10k steps. The rest of the day would be defined by what we have read, meditated on, or listened to… mostly about art and personal enfranchisement. To the great amusement of other people hearing us blabbing all day about Jesus, Leonard Cohen, Paul Bowles, Albert Camus, Alain Ginsberg, up to Francis Bacon, Michael Gira, Glenn Branca, and so many others. To give you an example, a woman told us: “I’ve never heard anyone who could quote Bible verses, then switch to the Beat Generation and existentialist writers, while using the words blessing, contemplation, bullshit and f*** at the same time. You guys are very entertaining.” 🙂
Jeff was reading “Conform To Deform”; a book I offered him that recollects the unbelievable and consequential story of the management & label “Some Bizarre”. It’s how Nick Cave came about, Swans, Cabaret Voltaire, Coil, Einstürzende Neubauten, The The, Lydia Lunch, to only name a very few artists who did not survive the upper commercialization of their era, but who had a tremendous impact on many generations of artist due to the culture they shaped by their fearlessness to “be”, to push and to defy every possible creative and social convention. So let’s just say that every walk we took, sharing about that vanguard attitude and uncanny community of outcast characters, was a major wake-up call for me and quite a call to action for us. Because beyond the crazy antics of Stevo Pearce, what remains has everything to do with art, and following your guts and instinct. That’s probably the part involving me using words such as bullshit and f***, as at some point I turned to Jeff and said: “What the F*** am I doing? I’ve been talking about surviving death, grief, desperation, in f*** insignificant and ridiculous pop song formats!” Jeff was laughing at me rebelling against myself. Then I probably quoted some Bible verses and Camus… 🙂
If there’s anything more important than awakening from inner numbness, I’m slowly starting to feel alive again. I’m still considerably damaged, but my emotional acuity and cognitive ability are more aligned with who I am, or who I think I am. That’s very encouraging because not only am I regaining “awareness”, I’m also able to define who I want to be from now on… not based on my obvious limitations but on my “conscious” decisions. That’s what I lived here and what I left in the ocean… that stain of conformity and security, but also a profound measure of gratefulness, an affirmative baptism of sorts, or an overdue passage marking my near-death experience and my yet confused new self. It was quite a significant moment for me to spend a few days here, not knowing when I’ll be back. Something that I’ve learned is that you don’t control much if anything in life. You wish you would, but you don’t. You only position yourself towards the outcomes you crave, but who knows where we’ll land in the end? Ain’t it a good thing to accept that our existence is like a larger and larger body of water in which we evolve into a completely free kind of unpredictable motion, emancipated from the implacable gravity of the world of conformity crushing our defying spirit’s will, just a little tighter each day? At least, it’s how I see it, and how I choose to live it. That’s a fragment of what I’m leaving Mexico with, a sort of magnificent goodbye… until next time.
Jeff was reading “Conform To Deform”; a book I offered him that recollects the unbelievable and consequential story of the management & label “Some Bizarre”. It’s how Nick Cave came about, Swans, Cabaret Voltaire, Coil, Einstürzende Neubauten, The The, Lydia Lunch, to only name a very few artists who did not survive the upper commercialization of their era, but who had a tremendous impact on many generations of artist due to the culture they shaped by their fearlessness to “be”, to push and to defy every possible creative and social convention. So let’s just say that every walk we took, sharing about that vanguard attitude and uncanny community of outcast characters, was a major wake-up call for me and quite a call to action for us. Because beyond the crazy antics of Stevo Pearce, what remains has everything to do with art, and following your guts and instinct. That’s probably the part involving me using words such as bullshit and f***, as at some point I turned to Jeff and said: “What the F*** am I doing? I’ve been talking about surviving death, grief, desperation, in f*** insignificant and ridiculous pop song formats!” Jeff was laughing at me rebelling against myself. Then I probably quoted some Bible verses and Camus… 🙂
If there’s anything more important than awakening from inner numbness, I’m slowly starting to feel alive again. I’m still considerably damaged, but my emotional acuity and cognitive ability are more aligned with who I am, or who I think I am. That’s very encouraging because not only am I regaining “awareness”, I’m also able to define who I want to be from now on… not based on my obvious limitations but on my “conscious” decisions. That’s what I lived here and what I left in the ocean… that stain of conformity and security, but also a profound measure of gratefulness, an affirmative baptism of sorts, or an overdue passage marking my near-death experience and my yet confused new self. It was quite a significant moment for me to spend a few days here, not knowing when I’ll be back. Something that I’ve learned is that you don’t control much if anything in life. You wish you would, but you don’t. You only position yourself towards the outcomes you crave, but who knows where we’ll land in the end? Ain’t it a good thing to accept that our existence is like a larger and larger body of water in which we evolve into a completely free kind of unpredictable motion, emancipated from the implacable gravity of the world of conformity crushing our defying spirit’s will, just a little tighter each day? At least, it’s how I see it, and how I choose to live it. That’s a fragment of what I’m leaving Mexico with, a sort of magnificent goodbye… until next time.
And like I wrote a precious friend battling severe burnout this morning:
“Every day spent in the light is a great victory, but every moment lived in freedom, emancipation, and enfranchisement is a triumph for our spirit and a refreshment for our soul. You are a tremendous example of determination for me. Your fight is mine too and your will is beautifully inspiring. Thank you for shining as you do!!!”
Note: I went to say goodbye to my “Mexican Mama” this morning before leaving. She was very happy to see me and quite surprised I would go out of my way “only” to thank her for doing her job. I told her that she magnificently colored my stay and that I was thankful for her kindness and patience towards my very alternative Spanish language “abilities”. We laughed together, hugged and kissed. That instant alone was the reason I so deeply needed to make that trip here.
“Every day spent in the light is a great victory, but every moment lived in freedom, emancipation, and enfranchisement is a triumph for our spirit and a refreshment for our soul. You are a tremendous example of determination for me. Your fight is mine too and your will is beautifully inspiring. Thank you for shining as you do!!!”
Note: I went to say goodbye to my “Mexican Mama” this morning before leaving. She was very happy to see me and quite surprised I would go out of my way “only” to thank her for doing her job. I told her that she magnificently colored my stay and that I was thankful for her kindness and patience towards my very alternative Spanish language “abilities”. We laughed together, hugged and kissed. That instant alone was the reason I so deeply needed to make that trip here.
