Am I Still Awake…
My day started pretty early. I was “on deck” – which refers to the captain of a boat being there before his crew – at 7:30 am. My schedule wasn’t too studio-friendly, as I had a whole lot of things on my agenda that had nothing to do with crafting my actual album. I had to work on the designs of my upcoming music projects (more details to come), to have a listen to some of the songs on my long list with Ben and Mikko, followed by a call with my accountants (hello tax season, how are you?), and a meeting with my management family. All of that happened before I could join the rest of the band in the rehearsal room, also known as the ‘Upper Room, to start exploring the nature of the next song I wanted to dig in after “Architect Of Time”.
As per usual, everything went sideways schedule-wise. Stephanie, who’s my “co-pilot” on all the visual aspects of my projects, was still too sick to come in. Then the 30-minute accountant preset meeting turned into a 90-minute one (including bank calls and all). That over-stretching period ended up leaving me with only a short window of time with Mikko before my management call. This weekly hour call has become synonymous with pure refreshment and a super encouraging boost for me. I never thought or would have probably never believed, that knowing that I am entirely supported and backed up could be that energizing for me. It’s the feeling of getting out of that sterile echo chamber of mine that empowered me to press forward even more, along with the confidence that I now have to see the extent of my creative universe being passionately cared for. To witness it all bloom in a favorable environment that will eventually lead them to outgrow the very emotions they were inspired by in the first place is quite galvanizing for me, especially after so many years spent in the shadowy glance of the voyage to which I kept on looking to add some lights.
As per usual, everything went sideways schedule-wise. Stephanie, who’s my “co-pilot” on all the visual aspects of my projects, was still too sick to come in. Then the 30-minute accountant preset meeting turned into a 90-minute one (including bank calls and all). That over-stretching period ended up leaving me with only a short window of time with Mikko before my management call. This weekly hour call has become synonymous with pure refreshment and a super encouraging boost for me. I never thought or would have probably never believed, that knowing that I am entirely supported and backed up could be that energizing for me. It’s the feeling of getting out of that sterile echo chamber of mine that empowered me to press forward even more, along with the confidence that I now have to see the extent of my creative universe being passionately cared for. To witness it all bloom in a favorable environment that will eventually lead them to outgrow the very emotions they were inspired by in the first place is quite galvanizing for me, especially after so many years spent in the shadowy glance of the voyage to which I kept on looking to add some lights.
Speaking of lights, it’s with quite a lightning type of strike that I’ve been hit by the second I stepped into the band’s Upper Room rehearsal space. Ben was on the guitar, Moose on drums and… Mikko on bass since Jeff and Miss Isabel were at the management meeting with me. They were dwelling on an intense song to which I would eventually give the working title “Awake”. It was based on some pieces of the lyrics I instinctively wrote as the band was digging into its complex spiritual identity. The only direction I gave them before diving in was: “It’s the anxiety state of panic I was in when I experienced the confusing blur I had following the moment I awoke from my surgery. It’s this moment when you don’t know if you’re awake, sleeping, alive or dead. It’s this time when fragments of images of your near-death experience get imprinted in your brain only to feel so real when you’re regaining consciousness that you can’t know for sure if you are actually back to your senses, as most of the time, you wouldn’t be for quite an extensive period afterwards.” In my case, it was images of my father, calling me home, in a bright halo of warmth, coming to me peacefully while smiling with his bright blue eyes and hugging me like I always craved to be hugged as a child. I will never forget that sensation of complete emotional bliss, something I recently felt while dreaming about him who was coming to me with MacKaye by his side. I would have given everything I had to leave with them. It troubled me only to think of it. Do I miss them more than I want to admit it? It’s unbearable sometimes.
We would play for most of the day, with Mikko trying to understand most of the excessive rendition of the feelings I had shared with them earlier. We had an urgent need to heavily “bang” today, at least I had. I was becoming profoundly exhausted, both physically and spiritually. For some reason, I found myself on the verge of tears for most of the day. Somehow fighting with myself to avoid affectively collapsing from within. I missed MacKaye and with Stephanie being sick, it brings me right back to the very last moments I had with him before he passed. As much as I’m trying to be functional, to focus on the record and all the other things I have to do, I know that this emotional suppression will only be temporary, that it will eventually hit the wall of that excruciating pain waiting for me to be lived, fully. It won’t be today or tomorrow, but it will come someday. It’s one of the promises I made to him during our last morning together; that I would do my record and only after would I be grieving him. I know, it’s probably unhealthy and weird, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Am I Still Awake… I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself”
“Am I Still Awake… I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself”
