No “Word”… No Record…

The most challenging part of defining the outline of a song’s identity for me is finding the proper “word” – the one “word” to best describe the image floating in my head, an image that is felt, not seen. (Are you still following? 🙂 ) So, it’s always a soul-wrenching process for me. The initial production phase went so fast that I didn’t even dare attempt disposing my spirit to find the “word”; it wouldn’t have been the fruit of an instinctive let go, but the result of a self-pressured performance type of sentiment. I would have hated every one of those perverted “words”, had I done that. And knowing myself, I would have re-recorded everything before the album’s official release. That’s how important the “word” is to me. I don’t care how nice and wonderful the whole “thing” might be. If it’s “word” less, it’s entirely worthless. At least, for me it is. And there’s no compromise in that sense.
I had several “themes” in mind before starting the recording production, but considering how many distressing situations had successively happened to me in such a short period — from the concerns associated with my general health degradation to my cognitive problems, the news of my uncle’s passing and his remains still in an undisclosed location, up to my best friend and creative partner Stephanie’s emotional fatigue and whatever I might be unconsciously denying rather than having to deal with right now — it’s quite intense, come to think of it, especially considering that I was deeply affected by MacKaye’s loss when I arrived at the band’s HQ. Would the album’s lyrical identity reflect those sorrowful elements? There probably might be an undertone of it all. It’s hard for me to envision any of it right now. The music strangely seems to be leaning towards another type of direction, which puzzled me at first. I would not consider the record as being peaceful or a display of plenitude and serenity, but it’s filled with a relative kind of optimistic consciousness. It is quite a step forward in itself considering that I’m probably the only one thinking that The Cure’s album “Pornography” is a beautiful display of hopefulness. So who knows what “optimistic” might truly mean to me after all, right!?! Oh, well. 🙂
If there’s something about the nature of The Long Shadows’ members that blesses me, it’s their supportive respect for my creative process. They obviously don’t understand everything I’m talking about, nor the reasons why it has to be so intense and scorching — which is totally normal, as I don’t always have a clear vision of the creative path I’m on either — but they have complete assurance that it’s a pure and honest journey for me to keep diving, and diving, and diving some more. Knowing that I have their unconditional support allows me to go beyond my fear of failure, my limitations, and diminished resources. So if I go too deep, I am certain that they will come for me and maneuver to bring me back somehow. I often go too deep… I have to. What lies deeper? What abyss haven’t I reached? What didn’t I have the courage to dwell on? Those are the questions I always ask myself. It’s an obsession because more than ever now, I understand that the “word” I will share might be the last one I’ll have the privilege to do so. Therefore, giving my heart’s undivided attention to the “word” has a more profound meaning to the journey it requires.

I guess it explains the reasons why I so often used to show up emotionally distraught and spiritually disturbed after diving as deep as I do, a bit like I have been ever since I woke up from surgery, having gotten so close to never resurfacing. Has it reshaped my psyche?!? Maybe… Has it altered the way I see the world?!? Myself?!? Spirituality?!? It absolutely has. I can’t determine to what extent, but it has. I don’t hear the same, sound the same, nor do I feel like I was before. It’s weird sometimes, but the more I embrace it, the more interestingly emancipative it becomes. And I’m wondering if I would perceive the “word” like I used to sense and discern it before. Not that I’m concerned about being able to find it at all. On the contrary, I know I would touch it, that I would distinguish it from the rest of the inner static presently raging in my mind. I’m more fascinated by the sole perspective of what I will discover once I dispose myself to it, once I’m able to devote my spirit and soul to it to foresee the “word” forming and growing within me, before blooming into its own “thing”. I’m actually elated at the idea of witnessing its outlines emerging beyond my need for comprehension, control, and rationalization.
So, as I told the rest of the band members and Mikko, there will come a moment when I’ll have to step away from the songs, the record, and the fast-moving stream propelling us all forward in order to return to the essence, the core that holds everything together. Without that, it would be somebody else’s album, not mine. And if it’s not, I’ll never pretend that it is. There would be no point in faking or adulterating the soulless counterfeit it would always be without the “word”… which is burgeoning inside me as you’re reading this.

Funny note:

A friend and avid reader of my Studio Diary, sent me this cartoon saying that it represents my way of crafting a record…
That wonderful and soulful person missed the fact that I would later let the muffins find their own identity, thus defining the nature of their upcoming destiny before strangers smell them, don’t even look at them, and eat them all. Welcome to the music business…