Throwing Up, All Systems Go
Leonard and I went out of bed at the same time: 6:30 am. He actually looked dangerously ready to enjoy whatever the day had to offer him. We weren’t even out of our room and he was still barking. Migrating birds are slowly coming back, and since his first tiny pup steps, Leonard made a personal point of letting those high-in-the-sky birds know that they were flying over his well-guarded territory. While it is funny for me to witness that territorial zeal, I asked him to tone down as it might not be particularly funny for those who were still sleeping, like Mikko for instance. So Leonard sat down on the balcony, grunting and growling, to make sure he would be “noticed” by the flying intruders somehow. He is hilarious. What a character he is. I’m discovering him a little more each day. I was deeply worried about him when MacKaye passed, as many animals tend to quickly follow their lost companion. In Leonard and MacKaye’s particular case, they spent all of their lives together, since their back-to-back birth in a litter of 8 pups. We adopted each of them as they were 7 weeks old and they had never been separated once, until I had to drive MacKaye to the hospital for his weekly chemotherapy, 6 months before his unbearably painful departure. That’s the reason why I brought him here with me, even though I knew his new surroundings would be highly limiting compared to our land in Virginia. It was the right choice. I think he would have let himself go as he would have felt a second abandonment on my part, had I left him behind. Therefore, to see him terrorizing the whole neighborhood is comforting. 🙂
I realized it would be a long day when I sat down at my working desk feeling dizzy and nauseous. If it happens often since my surgery, there are moments when I know it’s a bit more intense than usual. I used to throw up regularly when I was home, a sign that I was pushing my body too much and trying to go too fast. I only had one of those episodes since I arrived at the studio, so I knew it would be quite a challenging day for me. Learning to listen to myself and accepting my present limitations prevents me from either freaking out, rebelling, or keeping on pressing on – to greater bad consequences. So I manage, like when I used to have real severe episodes of motion sickness when we started touring. I was vomiting everywhere (I hope you’re no currently eating or too sensitive to that kind of story 😉 ) So instead of being an anti-nausea pill addict I started to do breathing exercises and I eventually got rid of that terrible condition. Those exercises are not that effective with my present condition but they helped me nonetheless.
Therefore, I figured it would be ok at some point. So I went to my lab of consequential nonsense to prepare myself for the day. Bad idea. I should have headed right back to bed for a little while. Instead, I got sick like crazy, sweating abundantly, and having difficulties standing up. The whole nine yards, like Jeff would say. So I remained quiet in studio B, breathing in and breathing out… Breathing in and breathing out… I did some visualization and relaxation exercises. Miss Isabel, who heard from her rehearsal space that I was sick, came over to give me fresh ginger tea to help with my nausea. She was very worried and I guess that having to run back to the bathroom in the middle of a sentence, to reaffirm the fact that I was ok and that there was nothing to be worried about, didn’t help defuse the situation that much. It took me about two hours to stop having to go to the bathroom every single time I tried to stand up. Once the crisis was over, I was semi-back on my feet. “YES”, or should I say: “yes.” (Health problems victories have to be humbly welcomed, trust me on that one.)
Therefore, I figured it would be ok at some point. So I went to my lab of consequential nonsense to prepare myself for the day. Bad idea. I should have headed right back to bed for a little while. Instead, I got sick like crazy, sweating abundantly, and having difficulties standing up. The whole nine yards, like Jeff would say. So I remained quiet in studio B, breathing in and breathing out… Breathing in and breathing out… I did some visualization and relaxation exercises. Miss Isabel, who heard from her rehearsal space that I was sick, came over to give me fresh ginger tea to help with my nausea. She was very worried and I guess that having to run back to the bathroom in the middle of a sentence, to reaffirm the fact that I was ok and that there was nothing to be worried about, didn’t help defuse the situation that much. It took me about two hours to stop having to go to the bathroom every single time I tried to stand up. Once the crisis was over, I was semi-back on my feet. “YES”, or should I say: “yes.” (Health problems victories have to be humbly welcomed, trust me on that one.)
– Mikko, who was kind of worried when he first saw my greenish and beige skin tone, along with my purple and red circles around the eyes…
– Mikko: “Are you ok, Alex?”
– Me: “Absolutely. Getting ready to spend the whole day with you in the studio.”
– Mikko: “Really, you don’t look that good…”
– Me: “I’m telling you, it’s alright. It’s Alex & Mikko time today, so let’s make the best out of it!!!”
– Mikko: “Alright. You would tell me if you weren’t feeling good, right?!?”
– “Old Fragmented Me” (taking over): “Yes, there’s nothing more important than my health. Thank you for your concerns, it means a lot, but I’m all systems go. It’s gonna be a great day!”
– Mikko (looking at me highly suspiciously): “Alright then, but we’ll go slow and if you don’t feel good we’ll stop, alright?”
– Old Fragmented Me: “Great, I already have several ideas I want to try with you…”
– Mikko (Getting even more suspicious of my OVER-enthusiastic demeanor): “ok…”
– New Me: “But Alex has been sick all morning. We should have told Mikko. It might be dangerous for Alex to keep on pushing like he’s been doing. His medical specialist told him to take it slow and to take a vacation as soon as possible. It looks like a very bad thing we just did, my precious friend and accomplice of fun adventures.”
– Old Fragmented Me: “Oh my dear friend, you have a wonderful heart, but I’ve known Alex forever now and he wants to have a wonderful time with Mikko. You don’t want to take that away from him… do you?!? It would be really really mean to do that to him, don’t you think?!?”
– New Me: “Oh, no, no… I do want Alex to build a relationship with Mikko. I’m so sorry for being such a bad friend. Thank you for helping me understand what Alex truly needs. There’s so much I need to learn, I feel so ashamed for being that inadequate. I’m sorry. Guilt is not a fun feeling to carry. Do you want me to leave you and Alex alone?”
– Old Fragmented Me: “Of course not my friend. There are so many little treasures in what you just confided in me. Let me unload your burden and leave those decisions to me. I know what Alex needs and guilt is a wonderful thing. It will make you do things you would have never thought capable of doing. Trust me, I’ll show you.”
– New Me: “You are the best of all friends… I love you!!!”
– Old Fragmented Me: “Woah, woah… slow down with those words here, Captain Happiness. You still have a lot of things to understand about the world and you better learn them from me…”
– New Me: “I will continue to hug you in my heart then.”
– Old Fragmented Me (talking to himself): “I’m really starting to worry about the new guy, and more so about what Alex could become if I leave him alone too much with him. I don’t want him to turn into one of those overly sensitive characters, especially since he’s already crying all the time… Oh God.”
– Mikko: “Are you ok, Alex?”
– Me: “Absolutely. Getting ready to spend the whole day with you in the studio.”
– Mikko: “Really, you don’t look that good…”
– Me: “I’m telling you, it’s alright. It’s Alex & Mikko time today, so let’s make the best out of it!!!”
– Mikko: “Alright. You would tell me if you weren’t feeling good, right?!?”
– “Old Fragmented Me” (taking over): “Yes, there’s nothing more important than my health. Thank you for your concerns, it means a lot, but I’m all systems go. It’s gonna be a great day!”
– Mikko (looking at me highly suspiciously): “Alright then, but we’ll go slow and if you don’t feel good we’ll stop, alright?”
– Old Fragmented Me: “Great, I already have several ideas I want to try with you…”
– Mikko (Getting even more suspicious of my OVER-enthusiastic demeanor): “ok…”
– New Me: “But Alex has been sick all morning. We should have told Mikko. It might be dangerous for Alex to keep on pushing like he’s been doing. His medical specialist told him to take it slow and to take a vacation as soon as possible. It looks like a very bad thing we just did, my precious friend and accomplice of fun adventures.”
– Old Fragmented Me: “Oh my dear friend, you have a wonderful heart, but I’ve known Alex forever now and he wants to have a wonderful time with Mikko. You don’t want to take that away from him… do you?!? It would be really really mean to do that to him, don’t you think?!?”
– New Me: “Oh, no, no… I do want Alex to build a relationship with Mikko. I’m so sorry for being such a bad friend. Thank you for helping me understand what Alex truly needs. There’s so much I need to learn, I feel so ashamed for being that inadequate. I’m sorry. Guilt is not a fun feeling to carry. Do you want me to leave you and Alex alone?”
– Old Fragmented Me: “Of course not my friend. There are so many little treasures in what you just confided in me. Let me unload your burden and leave those decisions to me. I know what Alex needs and guilt is a wonderful thing. It will make you do things you would have never thought capable of doing. Trust me, I’ll show you.”
– New Me: “You are the best of all friends… I love you!!!”
– Old Fragmented Me: “Woah, woah… slow down with those words here, Captain Happiness. You still have a lot of things to understand about the world and you better learn them from me…”
– New Me: “I will continue to hug you in my heart then.”
– Old Fragmented Me (talking to himself): “I’m really starting to worry about the new guy, and more so about what Alex could become if I leave him alone too much with him. I don’t want him to turn into one of those overly sensitive characters, especially since he’s already crying all the time… Oh God.”
