1-2… 1-2-3… Check, check, check
I managed to get to the studio control room, accompanied by two highly-worried Ben and Miss Isabel, and a still pretty-suspicious Mikko, who probably asked me 20 times if I was truly ok. “Oh yes, I’m super good”. So we went for a few song melody ideas I had. Mikko suggested some alternatives and modifications here and there. I LOVED the whole process, even though I had a panic episode and mental loops, which usually refer to me repeating the same note I have to modify while genuinely thinking I just did the new one. That loop can go on for a while. So everyone helped me counter-loop my brain. I have become overly frustrated and aggressive towards myself before. That was part of the vicious circle I was trapped into when I was looping, as if something within me was telling me to rage over it.
– Old Fragmented Me: Don’t blame me, I only suggested a few different passionate alternatives to go through this stressful episode. Anger is an energy. The great Lydon said it himself. So that one ain’t on me.
Regardless of my looping episode, I was at peace nevertheless.
– New Me: You can do it Alex, it’s in you, trust yourself. And look at all your friends supporting you… it’s so much fun! GO ALEX GO! GO ALEX GO!
– Old Fragmented Me: “Ok, ok, he heard you. You’re the reason why he’s looping now. He needs to concentrate on his most trusted inner voice now. Let him rage a little, it’s good for him to feel frustrated and anxious, and for the others to be shamed when they are trying to diminish him with their unsolicited encouragement. Don’t you know that he is sick? You want him to start vomiting again… DO YOU? COME ON.”
– New Me: “I’m so sorry, you are right. I’m really responsible for that bad and negative energy. And of course, I don’t want Alex to be sick. Oh, my dear friend, what have I done? I will remain discreet and silent from now on.”
– Old Fragmented Me: “GOOD. Take a good look at him. Knowing Alex, he will burst into angry fits or total rage in a few minutes if he doesn’t break out of that loop. It’s beautiful to witness. His fake friends might even think that he is mean when he tells them to shut up and get lost. You’ll see how alone and hopeless he will feel after. I think I’ll cry just to think about it.
– New Me: “Ohhhh, you are such a benevolent friend, always looking to offer the best to the one you care about. Can I cry too?!?
– Old Fragmented Me: “Shuuuuuuush… here he goes again. The explosion is imminent now.”
Mikko told me not to worry about it, that I had naturally done it on other takes, and he invited the others to sing the note with me… BOOM! The right note happened… YES! We did a few passages, some with the wrong note, others with the good one… All in all, we had it. So we kept on progressing through different songs, up to one that was particularly rhythmic, complex, and filled with a whole lot of words. Neurosis suddenly didn’t look that right. I told Mikko that I would have to rehearse on my own before being able to replicate that. “Great, we don’t need replication, we need you to be you. We’ll take the time Alex, no need to stress.” I was stressed, out of a sudden, and slowly started to feel a panic crisis coming its way.
– Old Fragmented Me: “It’s coming, it’s coming… Let’s go Alex, embrace the chaos. It’s good for you… Let go, let go, let go.”
I opened my notebook, took the lyrics, and I let it go… like my inner voice was prompting me to do. It led to an incredibly empowering moment for me. We laughed, kept on trying… Laughed and kept on trying, until the moment we had captured what we were looking for… I really felt good about myself. It was a significant accomplishment for me, completely different from all the anger, frustration, and unleashing attacks on anyone daring to encourage me I used to go through in the past. I thanked Mikko, Miss Isabel and Ben for their support and encouragement. They were all happy for me. I was exhausted but in peace. Mikko turned to me and said: “You were great Alex, thank you for those heartfelt emotions.” “Thanks to you all guys, I don’t think I would have experienced any of those positive sensations without you.” We all laughed and Mikko concluded by saying: “See, we found some sideroads to explore, that’s amazing”, referring to my rewiring brain, quoting my specialist’s explanations: “You can no longer use your usual fast-paced highway brain connection, now you need to find sideroads to reach your destinations.” I most definitely prefer Mikko’s way of putting that out than my specialist.
– Old Fragmented Me: “YOU’RE GETTING SOFT ALEX. HEY, NEW GUY… HAVE YOU BEEN WHISPERING TO ALEX ALL ALONG???”
– New Me (while thinking): “Of course not, of course not…White lies are indeed cool after all. Sorry, my precious friend. ;)”
Regardless of my looping episode, I was at peace nevertheless.
– New Me: You can do it Alex, it’s in you, trust yourself. And look at all your friends supporting you… it’s so much fun! GO ALEX GO! GO ALEX GO!
– Old Fragmented Me: “Ok, ok, he heard you. You’re the reason why he’s looping now. He needs to concentrate on his most trusted inner voice now. Let him rage a little, it’s good for him to feel frustrated and anxious, and for the others to be shamed when they are trying to diminish him with their unsolicited encouragement. Don’t you know that he is sick? You want him to start vomiting again… DO YOU? COME ON.”
– New Me: “I’m so sorry, you are right. I’m really responsible for that bad and negative energy. And of course, I don’t want Alex to be sick. Oh, my dear friend, what have I done? I will remain discreet and silent from now on.”
– Old Fragmented Me: “GOOD. Take a good look at him. Knowing Alex, he will burst into angry fits or total rage in a few minutes if he doesn’t break out of that loop. It’s beautiful to witness. His fake friends might even think that he is mean when he tells them to shut up and get lost. You’ll see how alone and hopeless he will feel after. I think I’ll cry just to think about it.
– New Me: “Ohhhh, you are such a benevolent friend, always looking to offer the best to the one you care about. Can I cry too?!?
– Old Fragmented Me: “Shuuuuuuush… here he goes again. The explosion is imminent now.”
Mikko told me not to worry about it, that I had naturally done it on other takes, and he invited the others to sing the note with me… BOOM! The right note happened… YES! We did a few passages, some with the wrong note, others with the good one… All in all, we had it. So we kept on progressing through different songs, up to one that was particularly rhythmic, complex, and filled with a whole lot of words. Neurosis suddenly didn’t look that right. I told Mikko that I would have to rehearse on my own before being able to replicate that. “Great, we don’t need replication, we need you to be you. We’ll take the time Alex, no need to stress.” I was stressed, out of a sudden, and slowly started to feel a panic crisis coming its way.
– Old Fragmented Me: “It’s coming, it’s coming… Let’s go Alex, embrace the chaos. It’s good for you… Let go, let go, let go.”
I opened my notebook, took the lyrics, and I let it go… like my inner voice was prompting me to do. It led to an incredibly empowering moment for me. We laughed, kept on trying… Laughed and kept on trying, until the moment we had captured what we were looking for… I really felt good about myself. It was a significant accomplishment for me, completely different from all the anger, frustration, and unleashing attacks on anyone daring to encourage me I used to go through in the past. I thanked Mikko, Miss Isabel and Ben for their support and encouragement. They were all happy for me. I was exhausted but in peace. Mikko turned to me and said: “You were great Alex, thank you for those heartfelt emotions.” “Thanks to you all guys, I don’t think I would have experienced any of those positive sensations without you.” We all laughed and Mikko concluded by saying: “See, we found some sideroads to explore, that’s amazing”, referring to my rewiring brain, quoting my specialist’s explanations: “You can no longer use your usual fast-paced highway brain connection, now you need to find sideroads to reach your destinations.” I most definitely prefer Mikko’s way of putting that out than my specialist.
– Old Fragmented Me: “YOU’RE GETTING SOFT ALEX. HEY, NEW GUY… HAVE YOU BEEN WHISPERING TO ALEX ALL ALONG???”
– New Me (while thinking): “Of course not, of course not…White lies are indeed cool after all. Sorry, my precious friend. ;)”
We concluded the evening by celebrating Sef’s birthday with everybody. It was a sweet and simple moment filled with Mary trying her infamous twerking attempts and Momoka’s graceful ballerina moves, while Mikko was DJing… before we all sang “(Simply) The Best” by Tina Turner. What a strange, beautiful, and fulfilling day… life life life!!!
