Water’s Heart & Life Wish

I was recently interviewed by Post-Punk magazine and one of the questions really got me musing way beyond the answer I gave them. It was about my connection to “bodies of water” and how I looked deeply connected to that element, both as a person and as a creator. I never had to reflect on that fundamental dimension before. I mean, I talked about it in the past, but I guess it’s becoming even more of a necessity for me to remain connected to “water”. I found there are a whole lot of spiritual layers associated with it; life and energy, benevolence and care. But also chaos, implacability, and disaster. It gives everyone generously as much as it takes without prejudice unilaterally. So being right by the ocean as I’m writing this diary entry makes more sense than I could explain. As I shared in my text “Revisitation and Reaffirmation”, every single time I was facing personal despair, that I had an important decision to make, or when I felt like I was standing in a pivotal moment of my life, I would take an instant away, right by a body of water… always.
I found peace and comfort by the water… serenity, and balance. Ever since I was a child, water has had a significant part in my affective and creative universe, which is strange because growing up in an economic context of severe poverty, I never had a pool, never went to the sea nor did I ever travel anywhere to go on a vacation with my family. But somehow, I grew highly fascinated by water. I would look at pictures, read books about it, and envision living close to the ocean. It became more than a theme I would visit and revisit from one album to another. It’s a form of identity that has a sort of cleansing effect on me. I washed my sorrows in more bodies of water than I ever did in a church’s setup. It’s the weightlessness and its emancipative uplift that offers me such a sense of inner freedom, of being close to being spirit only. Its ethereality makes me connect with a different dimensional self, as if God’s nature were water. I know, it’s a bit weird, but there’s no better way for me to explain the emotional levity.
The irony it would be – if there was an even stranger element to the whole thing – is the fact that I don’t even know how to swim. Ain’t that particular? I never had the opportunity to learn as a kid, nor did I ever have the time to do so later, which led me to several near-drowning experiences. The very first occasion was when I was something like 5 years old. I was with my parents who were visiting a friend who had a cabin right by a lake. My mom was distracted for what might have been a split second, so I left on a tube and managed to get pretty far in a wink. I heard my father screaming for me to remain on the tube. He started swimming like Michael Phelps. And before he could reach me, I felt compelled to jump in the water. I had no floating devices or anything. So I jumped in the water and heard my father’s screams getting closer and closer until he reached me. I was starting to drown when he grabbed me in total panic. I wasn’t. I was smiling, he told me later. And when my mom asked me why I did that, my answer was: “I wanted to fly”. WHAT?!? There’s no way you can fly in water. But for me, it felt like it. My parents freaked out so badly that I’ve never been allowed to go to a public pool alone or even get close to a body of water without them being with me. I had no recollection of that incident until my mom told me, following a second occasion where I almost drowned. I was with friends and they were jumping from a cliff down to the water. I did as well, but nobody knew I didn’t know how to swim. So when I hit the water, the current and high waves took me in. I was rescued by one of my friends who told me he didn’t understand how I could have been so enthusiastic to jump from that high into a deep part of the lake without knowing how to swim as it was dangerous even for experienced swimmers. “It looked like a way to fly”, I said. And they wouldn’t be the last people to think I have a death wish, which is the total opposite. For me, it’s actually an enfranchising wish. Makes sense, no? There’s no better way to let go unless you are an astronaut I suppose.
Now my friends almost forbid me to go to the water alone. Jeff told me yesterday: “Make sure to tell me if you want to go in the water, I’ll go with you. The waves are strong here and you can drift pretty far without noticing.” Sounds fun. I won’t challenge the high probability of being the subject of a major catastrophe. The odds were on my side too often before to even dare making any reckless move. There’s an interesting element in freedom, which is to stay alive to benefit from it. That seems logical enough to avoid going all Jacques Cousteau-style. So, no need to worry about it. I’ll take the fresh salty winds and the dreamy sounds in and will eventually go UNDER JEFF’s supervision to surrender myself to the endless waves and their redemptive motions. I will meditate for a while, and think about my father and MacKaye… I will find answers regarding my album’s direction, prepare my heart and soul for my upcoming summer tour, and bring you all with me as well. We are living in a very distressing era and I know that some of you are greatly suffering right now. I dearly wish you’ll feel the comfort and peace I’ll be communing with you. That’s my heart for every one of you.

It’s funny but I have the outmost vivid belief that my record is being written as we speak. I can hear it through the winds. It only needs feedback and layering streams. It’s as genuine as it is “it”. That’s why I am here… to reconnect with those heartfelt and soulful sensations.