Edition #31
As Music Slowly Comes Back… (Part 2)
My dear brothers, sisters, friends, and loved ones,
I wanted to thank you for the numerous messages and comments you sent me following last week’s publication of this journal. Your comforting words and benevolent kindness regarding my new management family, my health updates, and MacKaye’s condition deeply touched me, especially considering that I learned that his cancer was getting more agressive while having to deal with the beginning of a lung infection, which has the potentiel to be detrimental to me, since the heart-graft procedure I have been through came along with a lung one. So let’s say that the last few days were a bit of a downer for me, but it wouldn’t be living if it wasn’t that entertaining, I suppose. I would be willing to take a short break of having to maneuver those tumultuous currents once in a while, just as I’m sure you would like to pause whatever storm you are going through as well. If anyone has a magic trick to do so, count me in, I’m buying. If only it was that easy, right 😉
However, I know just how incredibly blessed I am as I have access to the emancipative energy that comes with being welcomed as I am. I know I do not have to fake a smile to sell some crap nobody needs, that I am supported no matter how discouraged I can be at times, and that I do not have the pressure to act as if I was unbreakable — because I am, trust me I am. Therefore, the caring and warm connection we have makes a world of difference for me as I’m dealing with what certainly is the most challenging yet most fulfilling year of my life at this point in time. Ain’t it paradoxical, somehow? It is challenging because I’m totally off-balance and completely powerless towards things I don’t have control over anymore (and probably never had control over whatsoever) while being fulfilling because even though I’m still struggling with numerous illness scares and deeply troubled by MacKaye’s uphill battle against his cancer, I realize that I have never been as magnificently well-surrounded with so many compassionate and loving people as I am now… friends who are truly concerned about me, the person.
It might be strange for you to read, but such a radiant new environnement, accompanied by your kindhearted words towards me, has had a profound and transformative impact on me. It’s inspiring for me to stop pretending that I don’t exist, like I did most of the past 15 years for the sake of the abusive entourage I was part of at the time, and to firmly turn every single one of those steps forward as a purposeful act of self- defying motion instead. It is a daily decision from which blooms a bright luminous life out of the otherwise too thick a fog I navigate through. Learning to open up the shutters and to unveil a little more of who I am is a rejuvenating reminder that it’s not about the pressure of having to keep on keeping on, but about the blazing demonstration of the empowering nature of knowing I am not alone dealing with a particularly distressing period. That communal collectivism is an influential uplift to someone like me, who is used to living everything on its own. And it bears quite a healing liberation, enough to drop the usual “I’m ok, don’t worry” when the answer is more in the likes of “I feel completely off and lost”. To foresee such an emotional freedom is indeed pretty emancipative.
Consequently, it was important for me to reflect that bright luminous life it creates within me by sharing with you some details of a few projects I’ve been invested in lately, regardless of the circumstances. And maybe that’s the reason why I find it so particularly symbolic to do so by writing the introduction to the second part of the journal from the veterinary hospital as I’m waiting for MacKaye’s chemotherapy session to be over. I thought the well was empty, that I was too paralyzed to move, too unwell to dream, or too damaged to use my voice… you’ll be able to see that freedom wasn’t about keeping myself busy, but about being totally invested in something greater than my pain and sorrow.
New Album and Visual Motion Picture Project
As I mentioned, my biggest concern after my surgery wasn’t my heart and lung grafts, but my voice, that was completely gone after being intubated for an extensive period due to all the problems the surgeons had to face during their delicate-turned-highly-complex-and-overly-prolonged intervention… But I was still alive, which is a major win when you have as many ongoing projects and future plans as I do! However, the result was that no one could tell me with certainty if my voice would ever come back or in what form it would. It was scary, for so many reasons, singing being obviously a major part of it. But for me, it was more about the idea of no longer being able to vocally communicate with the world that freaked me out. I’m much more comfortable to share via my writing, but I have now rediscovered the fulfilling blessing I had lost over time when I started to take moments with you after the concerts, when we were gathering during meet and greets, or when we would randomly bump into each other in a café somewhere around the world… To potentially lose what is one of the most meaningful gifts in life was frightening to say the least…
Although, instead of spiraling down while days were passing by, I decided to benefit from that endless “wait & see” period to dedicate my time to observing and listening, letting my mind wander freely instead of trying to figure how creatively impacting it could be for me if I was unable to use my voice ever again. The result was fabulously inspirational, and the more I left my traveling spirit be the vehicle for all sorts of imaginative experiences, the more I was able to discover particularities about others, to find or discern unknown elements in my life, along with rediscovering myself and forgotten sensations I had left behind to pursue collective ventures… It’s been a fascinating journey. And it laid the foundation for what I would soon become obsessed with, the figurative language of which was displayed in conceptual art expressed in visual motion pictures… A lot of complex terms to describe an introspective film accompanied by its own original soundtrack.
What’s significantly particular about this album is the fact that it’s been inspired by the rebirth of an unfinished and long-forgotten visual project I started to work on back in October of 2010, which would have remained the latent souvenir of an unawakened spark of life, if it wouldn’t have been for losing my voice for such a prolonged stretch of time. It’s as if, like my heart, the journey of those dormant contemplative reels were destined to be revived rather than eventually become the impersonal object of some future nostalgic restoration. It’s been emotionally rejuvenating for me to rediscover those vivid images filled with so much allegoric meanings and charged with so many metaphoric evocations, from which the music slowly emerged in a pure natural stream soon after, as I teamed up with Ben, my faithful creative co-conspirator and multi-instrumentalist accomplice in The Long Shadows.
The project would go through another transformation when my collaborator, Momoka, joined my lightly resurgent voice a little later further down the production process. All and all, it’s an inward spiritual journey by design, something I started in my childhood and that keeps on going as I’m writing those very words… We are in our own “Voyage à La Mer”. Some feel like they arrived at their ultimate destination while others will keep moving… It doesn’t really matter; what does matter is the nature of our travels and the transformation that goes with them. It’s a story we can write and rewrite, we don’t have to define the end of it when we truly live the expedition that is our impermanent passage between the hollowing waves of existence; that’s the beauty of it. And I guess that’s where real “freedom” resides.
I will share more details, sound clips and visual snippets in the upcoming weeks. Until then, you can join The Club to get yourself a limited vinyl edition of an alternative version of one of that upcoming project’s songs.
The Evolving Nature of The Club
Jeff and I founded The Club about a decade ago, 12 years to be exact. It’s quite incredible just to measure the amplitude of such an ongoing project, and it’s especially impressive knowing that a band’s lifespan is of an average of 3 to 5 years at the very best… So to think that a fan club, which is an exceptionally rare occurrence nowadays, could grow like The Club has flourished since Jeff made it its main focus aside from the music is an inspiring source of life for me to dwell on. For Jeff and I, the vision has always been for people to be the driving soul of the club, which is the reason why we built it as a community club rather than a self-serving egotistic group. That’s why we saw support, communion, connection, exchange, respect, and inclusion take place in a natural and organic way over the years. It’s been a safe space way before that term became a mainstream necessity. It’s about welcoming each other as we are and creating positive pretexts to invite us all to gather. That’s the nature of that community club and I’m utterly proud that it evolved like it did, at its own pace, with its own genuine essence. And it’s quite a privilege for me to be a part of it.
I won’t say that this year is more special than the others, but it’s a bit more symbolic for me. Maybe, after having been so close to crossing the river during my heart surgery, everything is significant for me somehow… But one thing for sure is that I’m more aware of the privilege I have to be part of something way greater than I have ever been and probably will ever be. It is a fantastic sensation to witness that, with a renewed vision, maybe, but most certainly with a more attentive and grateful perspective. This is why I wanted this year’s theme to be something that cannot be pre-fabricated or faked, not even able to be grasped, defined, or understood. I wanted ethereal, invisible, euphoric, untamable but real, tangible… Something that lives beyond a sensation, an idea, or a belief. While I was meditating about that, I told myself “What would the colors of a life made anew be? What would the sounds of the exceptional joy experienced when you open your eyes for the very first time be? This must be a pure feeling, while being exhilarating at the same time.” After obsessively musing about it, the theme became “The Exhilarating Joy of a Life Made Anew”. It came to me 2 months prior to my surgery. And if I can’t truly answer my questions, at least yet, I nonetheless know that the yearly theme makes perfect sense somehow. I’m still puzzled by what I went through, yes, but I know I wasn’t alone walking that valley of mine. That’s what mattered the most to me, more than answers that might never come.
Therefore, this year’s orientation for The Club will be aligned with this initial introspection on the exhilarating joy of a life made anew. Most of our initiatives will be based on our desire to get closer to you, now more than ever. To do that, Jeff and I started the “Conversation” video discussions, in which we go a little deeper into specific subjects and answer your questions. We have also recently debuted a dedicated mobile app that will feature exclusive material from rehearsals, backstage and studio moments, and more. We will have impromptu live rendezvous where you’ll be invited to be part of, special meet and greets, on-tour exclusive packages, and soundcheck sneak peeks. There will also be sporadic contests, and of course, Jeff’s epic weekly insightful newsletter. Again, all those represent wonderful pretexts to not only enjoy life but to share its cheerful uplifts with you.
In fact, it all started to take shape after I received the magnificent piece of art my dear friend and incredibly soulful artist Akira Kusaka sent me. It felt like the visions I had in my head were suddenly taking form through Akira’s delicate, elegant, and graceful display of heartfelt ornamentation and dreamlike interpretation, as if I had fallen asleep for a moment and woken up lying down in an ancient Japanese garden, in the plentiful riches that come with quietness when surrounded by peace, restfulness, and serenity. That piece of art inspired the conception of this year’s membership package details and led me to share an alternative version of a song I recently wrote for the upcoming album and visual motion picture project I mentioned, in the form of a limited-edition vinyl specifically designed for The Club. Intriguing, no?!?
That’s the spirit of “The Club”…
An Upcoming Trip To Tokyo
I had a few different inspirational trips lined up before the end of the year, and precious loved ones I wanted to spend time with. You know, we can make plans, but life is not as linear as I would like it to be sometimes and reality doesn’t have much consideration with what may matter the most to us. Therefore, those plans usually go back to what can actually be done in regard to the circumstances you have to deal with in the end…
And for me, right now, it is MacKaye’s condition. This is why I decided to refrain from being away from him too often and for too long, focusing my travels around his chemotherapy sessions. I’ll be able to make it to the “Tokyo International Film & Music Festival”, where I’ll have the honor to share about my new album and visual motion picture project along with my collaborator Momoka by the end of October.
You’ll understand that it’s difficult for me to share my definitive schedule with you yet, but I will make sure to stretch time as much as possible in order to have some probiotic-natural-whatever juice (1) with those who might be available for an impromptu get-together during my passage to Japan. I will let you know as soon as I get more information about my daily agenda.
(1) Yes, you read it right, “juice”. My doctors insist on saying that meds and alcohol aren’t that good a mix… But, wait, I heard that wine is in the large family of grape juice, right? And agave is most definitely a plant, therefore tequila can be considered an herbal drink, no? Anyway… you get the point 😉 If I can’t even joke about life being unfair, I can say that being deprived of certain pleasures is more saddening than others… All that to say… YEAH! Juice!! Not… at least the company with whom I’ll have one will be awesome, that’s the blissful part, right? 😉
A Second New Album? REALLY?
“Wait… Another record,” you ask? How can I say… YES, another one!
Amongst the upcoming trips I’m particularly enthusiastic about is one that will see the producer for my upcoming full band album join me in Tangier to begin the creative process leading to the recording planned to happen early next year with The Long Shadows members.
It’s personally meaningful to have the starting point of what I consider the follow-up album to “Windows in the Sky” in Tangier; not only is it the birthplace of my personal and artistic rebirth, but that special gathering will also take place in a new location Jeff and I have been working on acquiring for almost a year. It is a unique and artsy type of place that will act as a singular form of extension for La Maison de Tanger, which will allow us to have many more creative endeavors and art projects to be held in the very near future.
Yes, despite all of the life challenges I have to go through, it’s a positively fulfilling season for me, and I can’t wait to tell you more about it all!
Hope For Morocco
In the next and last part of this journal to be published next week, I will take the time to answer some of your questions. Don’t miss it!
With love,
AHF