Now What?!? What!?! Now?!?
The high winds vigorously turned the rain into a wonderful display of abstract drops over my bedroom windows all night… It led me to sit on the edge of a bed that ain’t mine to watch the transcending spectacle of arhythmic motions falling in their own melodies, while Leonard was asleep on my lap…
It felt good, peaceful… It reminded me of sweet sensations, memories of a different time when I used to do the same with a scared MacKaye pressing himself on my chest on every occasion, while the warm Virginian summer was turning the twilight sky into a magnificent mosaic of dancing bright lights and all sorts of colorful shades of lullabies. Intimate fireworks illuminated our barely-awake imagination with secret marvels even darkness wouldn’t be able to keep away from anyone who would dare look beyond their fears of thunders or jaded blinded eyes.
I find it incredible how just a simple moment can so vibrantly revive the most sacred souvenirs there are, when we are disposed to be amazed… as we’re mesmerized by what could be defined as the simplest instant there is, by those who have stopped believing in any possible benevolent sensation seemingly offered by “something” that can’t be seen or that can’t be comprehended. The “invisible consciousness”, as I like to call it. It could as well have simply been the early winds of spring, but I find it comforting to allow myself to be astonished once in a while, especially with everything I’ve been through in the past and what I’m still struggling with sometimes. The mind can turn its lack of understanding into irony, as much as a broken heart can rapidly wrap itself in distrust. Sorrows have a way of turning dreams into fatalism. I’m a natural skeptic… And if skepticism has never been the “issue” preventing me from dwelling in the most masterful beauties of selfless kindness, it’s corrupting my very desire to wonder for more clues to define its essence… It’s feeding my propensity to suspect deception and deceitfulness in any of those caring forms of pure blessings. I guess it explains why I can be so sad and regretful so frequently. It’s difficult for a damaged soul to trust in any demonstration of humanity’s mercifulness… At least, for me it is…
It felt good, peaceful… It reminded me of sweet sensations, memories of a different time when I used to do the same with a scared MacKaye pressing himself on my chest on every occasion, while the warm Virginian summer was turning the twilight sky into a magnificent mosaic of dancing bright lights and all sorts of colorful shades of lullabies. Intimate fireworks illuminated our barely-awake imagination with secret marvels even darkness wouldn’t be able to keep away from anyone who would dare look beyond their fears of thunders or jaded blinded eyes.
I find it incredible how just a simple moment can so vibrantly revive the most sacred souvenirs there are, when we are disposed to be amazed… as we’re mesmerized by what could be defined as the simplest instant there is, by those who have stopped believing in any possible benevolent sensation seemingly offered by “something” that can’t be seen or that can’t be comprehended. The “invisible consciousness”, as I like to call it. It could as well have simply been the early winds of spring, but I find it comforting to allow myself to be astonished once in a while, especially with everything I’ve been through in the past and what I’m still struggling with sometimes. The mind can turn its lack of understanding into irony, as much as a broken heart can rapidly wrap itself in distrust. Sorrows have a way of turning dreams into fatalism. I’m a natural skeptic… And if skepticism has never been the “issue” preventing me from dwelling in the most masterful beauties of selfless kindness, it’s corrupting my very desire to wonder for more clues to define its essence… It’s feeding my propensity to suspect deception and deceitfulness in any of those caring forms of pure blessings. I guess it explains why I can be so sad and regretful so frequently. It’s difficult for a damaged soul to trust in any demonstration of humanity’s mercifulness… At least, for me it is…
That being said, although I might be pretty tired, I nonetheless feel fine today. I know something is about to bloom from very deep within me, both emotionally and creatively. I made the right decision to scrap everything I did thus far for my next record. I thought I could “hide” behind someone else’s perception to avoid having to face some of my oldest sorrinesses and most profound woes. But I just couldn’t stand that mascarade of a process any longer. True freedom is not a whisper you can pre-fabricate, and I have too many repressed murmurs to keep on isolating myself in the shadows of an outsider set of estranged colors. So now what?!? I honestly don’t know… if not for the fact that I let my dreams drift way too far behind. But I’ve got something on my mind, and it’s time for me to go find out what’s radiating on the other side of that frightening door of mine… It all starts now!!!
