Reaching Hands - Overpower Time
I got back to the band’s studio HQ late in the evening. I was in a good mood, even if I was tired after what had seemed to be quite a particularly long trip, traveling from Mexico to Montreal. I most often hate that kind of transitioning period, as I usually feel off-balance, and it could have been an even more brutal sentiment this time since I truly experienced some sort of inner awakening regarding the state of my actual condition. Therefore, to stand between the personal blissfulness that came from the immersive musing I’ve been through in the last few days, to then reemerging in the ongoing stream of my life’s tangibility, could have been a sort of downer. But it wasn’t at all… On the contrary, the persistent doubts and roaming uncertainties I was dealing with in the previous weeks were entirely dissipated, and everything looked much clearer to me now.
My time by the water has been immensely restorative and reviving. I even kept thinking about it all while on the plane. I realized that one of my deepest fears has always been to fail others, which led some people to abuse me and greatly benefit from that in the past. But somehow, for the very first time in quite a while, I realized that the one I was truly failing lately was myself. May it be through working on an album that was clearly not mine nor being crafted while respecting my process at all, my beloved MacKaye’s death, my late uncle’s untraceable body, my dear friend’s illness… and probably so much more I don’t even want to admit. I would be utterly mad, had I been dispossessed… but I wasn’t. I just took it all in like I do. I kept on saying I was alright, that I was ok, that everything was cool when I was actually profoundly torn apart, emotionally stunted, and completely beat up inside. That was my ultimate letdown…
I come from a family where you fight, press on, fight, get knocked down, rise back up, fight back… and on, and on. So you’re learning to believe that it’s way less painful to pretend, to take the punches and move on rather than admit the suffering and damages, and allow your needs to be taken care of, to welcome the love and heal before you can truly start all over. You just keep going. You press on, and on, and on, and on until you’re simply too broken to take another step forward. Then comes a higher challenge, and it’s not a physical one but an affective one, a spiritual one… You wonder about who you are, where you were even going, and what was so precious to pursue that makes you destroy yourself like you did so willingly. Was it worth it? It’s the last question you want to answer honestly. And until you’re ready to do so, everything remains the same. You want to get back on your feet as fast as possible, and fight… until you go down again, broken, totally hopeless, and unable to foresee the sole idea of living another day. And the real “fight” becomes the restoration of your faith in self-purpose and meaning, but even more in forgiveness… of others, of yourself. Because if the fights were not worth the miseries we inflected others and ourselves with, we’re never beyond another chance at life. No matter how many times we may fail after, “love” always finds a way to make you realize that what has been worth it all along was you… And there’s no notion of having to “move on” any longer. You are starting over… and maybe over, and over, and over. And you may do it and redo it until you are you. Whatever it may mean to you alone…
I come from a family where you fight, press on, fight, get knocked down, rise back up, fight back… and on, and on. So you’re learning to believe that it’s way less painful to pretend, to take the punches and move on rather than admit the suffering and damages, and allow your needs to be taken care of, to welcome the love and heal before you can truly start all over. You just keep going. You press on, and on, and on, and on until you’re simply too broken to take another step forward. Then comes a higher challenge, and it’s not a physical one but an affective one, a spiritual one… You wonder about who you are, where you were even going, and what was so precious to pursue that makes you destroy yourself like you did so willingly. Was it worth it? It’s the last question you want to answer honestly. And until you’re ready to do so, everything remains the same. You want to get back on your feet as fast as possible, and fight… until you go down again, broken, totally hopeless, and unable to foresee the sole idea of living another day. And the real “fight” becomes the restoration of your faith in self-purpose and meaning, but even more in forgiveness… of others, of yourself. Because if the fights were not worth the miseries we inflected others and ourselves with, we’re never beyond another chance at life. No matter how many times we may fail after, “love” always finds a way to make you realize that what has been worth it all along was you… And there’s no notion of having to “move on” any longer. You are starting over… and maybe over, and over, and over. And you may do it and redo it until you are you. Whatever it may mean to you alone…
It’s a difficult admission… to feel lost, useless, confused, purposeless, tired, unworthy, a failure, a disappointment. Trust me, I know. You can have a number one album, play in front of 90 thousand people at the other end of the world, be admired by a multitude, even loved by some… and you still feel like a major letdown… empty, numb. You’ve learned to fake a genuine smile, and still, there’s not one night you don’t wish to disappear from the face of the earth, and not one morning you don’t feel ashamed for being alive another day. I wish the matters of heart and soul could be dealt with magic… a magic pill, a magic hug, a magic drink, or any easy magic. But we all know there’s nothing magic, or easy… And if it were to be something magic or easy, not only would we be too skeptical to believe it, but we would be cynical towards anyone who would try it. I would… Well, I’ve been. I am. To every mention such as follows: “Take your time”, “You need time”, “Time heals”, “Time will tell”, or anything similar, my thought is: “Not only is time not on my side, time’s the enemy of my soul. It won’t stop a fraction of a second for me”. If true in so many ways, I realized that you can conquer it all when you start believing that you have the power over your time and when you accept that it’s your call to manage your time and that it’s been all along. Time won’t do anything for you until you define and redefine time itself… So you are the time.
I know it sounds like trying to find a cure for cancer on a Chinese fortune cookie or laying the foundation of your existence on a gossip magazine’s horoscope…It might be, but my point is that it doesn’t take a beach, Mexico, water, screaming in a microphone, or weeping poetry to acknowledge that no matter how bad we may feel now, no matter how much of a mess we are, or how helpless a life we might live, it’s not a fatalistic situation, it’s temporary. And as relatively undefinable as that state could be – mine lasted more than a decade – the empowering let-go is in our hands. And if we don’t feel like it, the good news is that it’s there through the hand of a loved one, a friend, a coworker, a school accomplice, or a digital or pen pal connection. It’s scary to open up, as much as it is for those with whom we do it. There’s no magic, only “open arms”, and that’s the ultimate power we have over time or whatever condition we are dealing with. At least, that’s what slowly led me out of my inner abyss years ago. It wasn’t my courage, my status, money, or anything else… I saw a “hand” reaching out for me… day, after day, after day, after day. And when I decided to take a chance at holding it lightly, hesitant, fearful of being abandoned once more, that loving “hand” guided me with benevolence and care towards the edge between light and darkness. That step was mine to make, but all the previous ones we had done together assured me that I didn’t have to worry. Regardless of how distressed I was to only perceive the warmth of candescence hollowing through my closed eyes, it took me a moment, or two, or more… I made that step and started all over again.
The reason why I’m writing about this has nothing to do with my position or opinion on pills, religions, philosophies, or spiritual concepts… It’s because I’ve had the utmost privilege of sharing with you, pretty much every day for quite a long time now, and I know it’s not easy for some of you currently and that everything might seem on the verge of collapsing any minute. I deal with that as well. My heart is with you all. Suspension is not stagnation. It’s ok to stop, it’s ok to take breaths in and out, in and out… That’s what I mean by “controlling” and “overpowering” your time. That’s what I did in Mexico; reflecting on time, my time. It led me to make an important decision, something I wouldn’t dare envision before, as it’s something I’ll not only have to assume but that will have significant repercussions for me. It will also have serious implications for the lives of my friends and accomplices. If it’s not any less scary to decide to “bet” on yourself every morning, it’s knowing that I’m not alone that cultivates the audacity for me to do so. And if you are that daily “hand” for me, I wish I could be yours as well… in my own imperfect and strange way, as only life creates.
Life!!! Life!!! Life!!!
Thank you for all the gifts, letters, pictures, postcards and so much more, but even more so for being so generously who you are with me. You are precious beyond words!!!
I know it sounds like trying to find a cure for cancer on a Chinese fortune cookie or laying the foundation of your existence on a gossip magazine’s horoscope…It might be, but my point is that it doesn’t take a beach, Mexico, water, screaming in a microphone, or weeping poetry to acknowledge that no matter how bad we may feel now, no matter how much of a mess we are, or how helpless a life we might live, it’s not a fatalistic situation, it’s temporary. And as relatively undefinable as that state could be – mine lasted more than a decade – the empowering let-go is in our hands. And if we don’t feel like it, the good news is that it’s there through the hand of a loved one, a friend, a coworker, a school accomplice, or a digital or pen pal connection. It’s scary to open up, as much as it is for those with whom we do it. There’s no magic, only “open arms”, and that’s the ultimate power we have over time or whatever condition we are dealing with. At least, that’s what slowly led me out of my inner abyss years ago. It wasn’t my courage, my status, money, or anything else… I saw a “hand” reaching out for me… day, after day, after day, after day. And when I decided to take a chance at holding it lightly, hesitant, fearful of being abandoned once more, that loving “hand” guided me with benevolence and care towards the edge between light and darkness. That step was mine to make, but all the previous ones we had done together assured me that I didn’t have to worry. Regardless of how distressed I was to only perceive the warmth of candescence hollowing through my closed eyes, it took me a moment, or two, or more… I made that step and started all over again.
The reason why I’m writing about this has nothing to do with my position or opinion on pills, religions, philosophies, or spiritual concepts… It’s because I’ve had the utmost privilege of sharing with you, pretty much every day for quite a long time now, and I know it’s not easy for some of you currently and that everything might seem on the verge of collapsing any minute. I deal with that as well. My heart is with you all. Suspension is not stagnation. It’s ok to stop, it’s ok to take breaths in and out, in and out… That’s what I mean by “controlling” and “overpowering” your time. That’s what I did in Mexico; reflecting on time, my time. It led me to make an important decision, something I wouldn’t dare envision before, as it’s something I’ll not only have to assume but that will have significant repercussions for me. It will also have serious implications for the lives of my friends and accomplices. If it’s not any less scary to decide to “bet” on yourself every morning, it’s knowing that I’m not alone that cultivates the audacity for me to do so. And if you are that daily “hand” for me, I wish I could be yours as well… in my own imperfect and strange way, as only life creates.
Life!!! Life!!! Life!!!
Thank you for all the gifts, letters, pictures, postcards and so much more, but even more so for being so generously who you are with me. You are precious beyond words!!!
