Edition #11
Falling Apart Before Falling Into Place
I saw you fronting Your Favorite Enemies in Manchester in 2014 and you guys totally blew me away! Then you vanished for a while and came back under your own name but with the same lineup of musicians you had with YFE. What was your decision based on? And don’t get me wrong I totally dig your new musical approach, but I was just wondering why start over with the same people when you already had something really neat going on for you? Thanks for taking the time!
– Mick, Sheffield, UK
You’re right, it doesn’t make much sense when you look at it from a distance. Especially considering that Your Favorite Enemies was really starting to make some major noise and that our album “Between Illness and Migration” had been well received pretty much everywhere. We toured quite a lot to promote the album, actually almost toured the world before releasing the album’s deluxe version! “Tokyo Sessions”, it is titled, was not only re-recorded but was also a total revisitation of the songs. That project received an impressive welcome and gathered a fantastic reaction from most of the people who gave it a listen. At that point, I believe we were probably another solid record away from establishing ourselves as a major act… So what happened, you wonder?
Well, the concise answer is that something broke down deep inside me and I just wasn’t able to keep going that way. The constant tensions within the band along with my father’s passing, the everlasting pressure to go on… It all got me physically ill, for several years at that point, my emotional exhaustion led to a major burn out which turned into a profound depression. All that while touring excessively, producing short movies after short movies, being nominated for all sorts of awards, and being pushed some more. Came a point where I wasn’t able to move and felt paralyzed in every possible way, isolated from the others, feeling humiliated to be so weak and fragile, and ashamed to deprive my friends of their dreams. I left for Tangier without any intention to ever come back.
It was a matter of either being real and free or accepting to completely vanish into an illusionary projection of someone whose suffering I didn’t wish would end.
What came after is the result of 2 years living in Morocco, where I was able to muse about it all: my relationship with my father, with the other members of the band, with the members of the community I was living with. The purpose I had always felt a calling for had completely lost its meaning, I had no perspective of it. It was a reflective period about me, as a person, about being honest with myself. It was a pivotal moment where I had to decide if I wanted to keep on living in the shadows of my own pretending or if I wanted to look into the reasons that got me there in the first place, even if I might not find any answers at the end of that painful process. It was a matter of either being real and free or accepting to completely vanish into an illusionary projection of someone whose suffering I didn’t wish would end. Let’s say that my music career was far from being the object of my reflections… that topic would come later in the process.
I didn’t really know at the time what I wanted to do with my life, but it was clear that I wouldn’t go back with Your Favorite Enemies. It was emotionally and psychologically too destructive for me and the only idea to go back with the band would give me nausea and panic attacks. There was something broken within me and that was immensely related to the unhealthy relationship I had with the other band members. It was sadly a classic case of a genuine friendship turned into a form of communicative toxicity. I just wasn’t able to foresee any positive outcome with the 6 of us reunited to give life to new creative ventures. I thought maybe that time spent apart would give us some peace, or at least some clarity about it all, and it did – after 18 months.
And when I began assembling all the pieces, I only saw Ben and Jeff out of the YFE lineup.
We rekindled in Tangier after I invited them to come to visit for a week, which became 6 months. We had the opportunity to address some situations, expose some wounds, and shed major light on our broken friendships. It was difficult to have those “tell-all” conversations… And as much as I love those guys — always had, always will — I didn’t want to experience any of the emotional turmoil anymore, I just couldn’t fathom that possibility. I had to let go, to mourn that season of my life, and to keep on healing what was still broken inside. And to do so, I had to take full ownership of the journey I went through and assume the emotions that would eventually give life to my album “Windows in the Sky”. I had to “be” and stop hiding within the fail-safe reality of being part of a group. It was time to face my own paradoxes.
Therefore, when I finally accepted to play a one-off concert at the Festival International de Jazz de Montréal to honor my father’s passing, I started to envision the type of band I had always dreamed of having. And when I began assembling all the pieces, I only saw Ben and Jeff out of the YFE lineup. It wasn’t against Sef, Moose, or Miss Isabel, nor was I identifying them as the ones responsible for the collective problems we had in the past. It was only related to the high importance to remain focussed and totally invested in the nature of the event itself. To be able to do that, I needed a “safe space” to keep on evolving as an individual and to be able to fully dwell in my creative motion. I took the time to explain the reasons behind that lineup decision and exposed why I wasn’t interested in any form of YFE revival. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do after that concert and didn’t want to give anybody false expectations. But above all, that moment was about my father’s memory…
As for why every Your Favorite Enemies band member ultimately joined me, I think it all slowly happened as our relationship was restored. It took place naturally and gradually. I saw the great deal of effort everybody was making to support me in the creation of something I believed was more important than myself. They had to accept that it wouldn’t be like it was during the YFE tenure anymore. It was a totally different spirit that would conduct the musical stream. It wouldn’t be about how good or cool individual parts were. My only interest was in the free essence of the songs… So we gave it a try, and it evolved into something none of us were expecting. We couldn’t explain what it was nor comprehend its nature, but it was perfect in all its imperfection, and everything was suddenly in its right place.
We, as individuals and as a collective, weren’t the same anymore, and I didn’t have any apprehension nor any doubts
And when it was time for me to determine if I wanted to keep on going after the Festival International de Jazz de Montréal, I wished to do so with them. We, as individuals and as a collective, weren’t the same anymore, and I didn’t have any apprehension nor any doubts of us slipping back into the toxicity we suffered from before. I’m not only greatly serene about it all, but with how cheerful our recent European tour has been, I’m now impatient to discover what we will be able to give life to in such renewed conditions…
So that’s the short answer to a very long and singular kind of story. And it is also the reason why I am presently working on a book that will offer a more detailed and more personal insight on that period, which will cover the “Windows in the Sky” pre-release listening sessions I held in Tokyo up to the moment I decided to work on the “Standing Under Bright Lights” project.
I hope it answers your question, Mick, and for everyone who already sent me a question, I’ll try to publish a new journal as often as possible… Don’t hesitate to keep on sending me your questions, no matter the subject you’d like me to share.
Be safe,
Much love always,
AHF
PS: I forgot…! As for Manchester, it has always been special for me to play there. I’ve been a fan of so many bands that originated from that scene! Therefore, every concert I have ever played in Manchester has been memorable for a reason or another, from chipping a tooth, fracturing my hand on a drum, or having to find new words and melody when I totally forgot one of the songs we were playing (I’m still wondering if any of the other YFE members noticed – which is quite representative of how insanely loud we usually played).
And obviously, my very first solo appearance in Manchester isn’t an exception. I had lost my voice during the afternoon soundcheck – totally gone. But nonetheless, I went on stage and gave the concert a bit more of an instrumental dimension to start with, until my voice came back mid-set. It became one of the most “raging” concerts of the whole tour! I mean, there is no way I would have canceled a gig in that city, never!